Crossroads...

they're quite a phenomenon. A place in your life where you have a decision to make and it's the kind of situation that determines if your life will go in one direction or the other. I'm there except I don't even know what directions I have to choose from. I'm supposed to graduate in 3 weeks which may not actually happen because I STILL don't have financial aid. I've had to fix it 4 times thus far which has not been enough which is also related to possibly not getting into grad school. A) I don't have any way to pay for grad school as of right now and B) The financial situation has made me unable to take the GRE which I'm supposed to do. I'm at a loss. I don't know if I should just continue to pray that I get into grad school and subsequently get a Graduate Assistantship or if I should get a "real job." That's a pretty loose term nowadays. Of the friends of mine that have recently graduated which is about 10 of then, I think 2 actually have what you would consider professional jobs. A bachelor's degree (especially in art) is worth about the same as a high school diploma was 10 years ago. I think my experience in my job is worth more than the education I paid thousands of dollars for. So I'm left pretty clueless. Responsibilities are piling up and I have no way to take care of them because of this whole lack of financial aid/VA money problem. I'm afraid if I just get a job that I'll never go back to grad school and I'll end up in a job I hate for the rest of my life. Then again, the more I think about it, the more difficult it is to see myself in the professional world, ever. I'm just not a 9-5 kind of person. I'm too free spirited. I don't know what the heck to do with that though. I have a lot of far-fetched dreams that I've had for a while, but people would think I was crazy if I went after them. Musician, author, actress, missionary, photographer. Ok, so maybe the last two aren't so crazy. But I also have no way of doing it short of leaving here which A) I don't want to leave yet, and B) I can't leave yet. I have a 12 month lease.

So I'm obviously at a loss. Part of the reason why I've gotten so lost probably has a lot to do with my spritual life becoming virtually non-existent. I'm showing up at church and everything, but that's just it. I'm showing up. A few months ago I was on the verge of doing some great things for the Lord, but satan has beat me down. I've been defeated this time. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to say that, but I have to face the truth. I've been hiding in this weird obsession I've developed with Pirates of the Caribbean and Johnny Depp. I've been spending all of my free time looking up stuff about it on the internet, talking about it, and watching all of Johnny's movies. I've gotten obsessive about stuff like this before but this time I know exactly why I'm doing it. I'm trying to hide from the reality that is my life right now. No matter how deep into this obsession I get though, reality is always there lurking just over my shoulder.

To put it eloquently, this stinks. I could use your prayers and any advice you're willing to dispense. I'd really appreciate it.

Pepto