Avoiding homework

Yeah, I should be writing my philosophy paper, but I'm just not feelin it right now. Anyway...what's been going on. Well, school is winding down, but not before it kicks my butt for a while first. I'll survive though...it's my last difficult quarter as an undergrad. We officially got the apartment in Arlington Village and we do have four people. We move in on June 17th, so if any of ya want to help us move, let me know. We probably won't actually move that day because it's the day of the David Crowder concert, so it will either be the day before or the day after. The trip to New Orleans...well, I'm not getting the kind of response I would have liked thus far, but maybe more people will show interest the day of the meeting...or maybe I'll have to start hounding people about it.

Things with Toolman are going quite well. I've gotten past my whole freakin out phase. I'm at the point where I'm fairly confident that the feelings are mutual, but it's just a matter of time. I still have my moments when I'm going crazy, but for the most part, I'm really glad things are going the way they are...slow pace and everything. Plus, I finally got his phone number today. He thought I had it all along. He was going to help me paint for my installation/performance art class, but when I got there, the paint wasn't there, so that fell through. :( Oh well. I'll see him in a couple of days.

Many of you will be happy to find out that I bought a pair of crocs. They're black. I didn't think I would get them because to be honest, I think they look kinda goofy, but then I tried them on and they were sooo comfy. So I splurged.

So that was a totally shallow and uninteresting update on my life...probably because I know I need to start on this paper. I'll be seeing y'all.

God bless!

Pepto

Avoiding homework

Yeah, I should be writing my philosophy paper, but I'm just not feelin it right now. Anyway...what's been going on. Well, school is winding down, but not before it kicks my butt for a while first. I'll survive though...it's my last difficult quarter as an undergrad. We officially got the apartment in Arlington Village and we do have four people. We move in on June 17th, so if any of ya want to help us move, let me know. We probably won't actually move that day because it's the day of the David Crowder concert, so it will either be the day before or the day after. The trip to New Orleans...well, I'm not getting the kind of response I would have liked thus far, but maybe more people will show interest the day of the meeting...or maybe I'll have to start hounding people about it.

Things with Toolman are going quite well. I've gotten past my whole freakin out phase. I'm at the point where I'm fairly confident that the feelings are mutual, but it's just a matter of time. I still have my moments when I'm going crazy, but for the most part, I'm really glad things are going the way they are...slow pace and everything. Plus, I finally got his phone number today. He thought I had it all along. He was going to help me paint for my installation/performance art class, but when I got there, the paint wasn't there, so that fell through. :( Oh well. I'll see him in a couple of days.

Many of you will be happy to find out that I bought a pair of crocs. They're black. I didn't think I would get them because to be honest, I think they look kinda goofy, but then I tried them on and they were sooo comfy. So I splurged.

So that was a totally shallow and uninteresting update on my life...probably because I know I need to start on this paper. I'll be seeing y'all.

God bless!

Pepto

Broken Road

Ok, this may or may not be a really long entry, but it will definitely be one of those "pouring my heart out" kind of entries. Do you ever set out on a journey just to find yourself a completely different person you return? Is that journey ever 30 minutes long? I feel like that's what just happened to me tonight. A little bit before 1 AM, I decided to go for a drive because I was rather frustrated and upset about a situation that is not related to anything else I'm going to say in this journal. I left angry, frustrated, confused, upset, etc. etc. I returned refreshed, renewed, and feeling like I understand something that I never did before. My journey took me from my house, out to 675 south to 75 north to 35 east back to 675 north and back to my house. I also stopped to get gas which frustrated me even more, so I set out on 675 really cheesed off. By the time I got to the Wilmington Pike exit, the foggy haze of angery had been lifted. I was no longer even thinking about the original reason I had gone on the drive.

Instead I started to evaluate. Evaluate myself, my life, my walk with the Lord...a little bit of everything. Ever have one of those moments when you just think, "How did I get here? What am I doing here? and Why am I still here?" It's not the kind of questioning where you doubt what you are doing, just the kind of questioning that evaluates. Hitch says, "You can't know where you're going until you know where you've been." Makes sense. So I was thinking about all that, and I couldn't help but think that there's still something being left undone. I've been making great strides lately, and a lot of people have told me so, but I don't deserve the glory, God does, and God alone. It's been very encouraging and uplifting to hear so many people tell me that I'm "remarkable" or "unselfish" or whatever, but I don't deserve that. It's not me that are those things, it's Christ in me. Tessa Welton is not a remarkable or unselfish person by any stretch of the imagination. This whole thought process has led me to believe that I'm not doing enough to show Christ in me and not just me. Maybe that's what's being left undone. For many years, I've felt a need to tell my story somehow. I don't know why, there are a lot of people that have much more outstanding stories than I do, but it's just something I've felt a good portion of my life. Today I spent about 2 hours talking to a woman in my class that I've never really talked to extensively before, but she poured her heart out to me...about how she's a recovering alcoholic and how she worries about her kids, and all kinds of stuff. The whole time I was listening intently but still wondering, "why on earth is this happening?" It seems that people are able to relate to me and I to them somehow. I still don't quite get that thing. This was all happening as I was just starting up 75.

As I was nearing 35, the CD I was listening to starting playing, "God bless the broken road" by Rascall Flatts. Now, I've heard this song a thousand times, but something suddenly clicked. I finally got the song as it was intended for me. For the first time I wasn't listening to it picturing some unknown man that would be my husband. This time I was picturing my Lord and Savior, Jesus. It finally made sense to me. That song doesn't have to be about the road to a husband or wife or whatever. For me, it's about the broken road I took to get to Jesus. Let me stick the lyrics here so y'all can read through them and maybe get what I'm saying a bit better.

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Beautiful isn't it? To think that all the crap we endured through life was all pointing us to Christ and wherever we are in our lives today. It's amazing...God's perfect plan. I think that's what I got out of my conversation with my classmate today...even with all the crap that happened, I wouldn't change it for the world. I love the person that I have become because I love Christ and I have Christ in me. I can never thank God enough for that. I don't deserve it, but He's given it to me just the same.

God bless!

Pepto

Workin on a Sunday Afternoon

I can imagine a lot of better things to do. I have work that I should be doing, but I just don't feel like doing it because it is Sunday. So I must apologize for not updating in such a long time. Nothing all that incredible has happened recently except for maybe the fact that plans for a mission trip to New Orleans are now underway. We're having a brief meeting about it next Sunday right after church. Yes, I know it's mother's day, that's why it will be a pretty brief meeting. I'm really excited about going back and taking a whole new batch of people wth me. We're going sometime in August, as far as when specifically it will be, we'll figure that out at the meeting.

Now to the continuing saga with Toolman. Nothing has changed. We still sit together at Real Life (except for this week because I was late). We still talk afterwards and hang out together at happy hour and we still hang out after church on Sundays. Oh...one really cool thing about church...he went home this weekend and I asked him when he'd be back and he said, "I don't know. I really want to come back Saturday night because I feel like Bethany is my church now, but I feel like I should go to my home church when I'm at home. I'll probably come back Saturday night though." As most of you saw, he was there this morning. Cool, isn't it? His birthday was Friday, so I gave him a card and Travel Connect Four because last Sunday we played Connect Four for like an hour and he kept beating me. I also saw him on his birthday and gave him a big hug since that's what he gave me on my birthday.

Anyway...I got to be honest. It's not like you guys don't already know this, but I guess I've never really officially said it. I REALLY want to be with this guy. He's incredible. He's such a strong man of God who has outstanding morals. He was talking to me and one of his guy friends the other night and he was talking about how he doesn't like to watch much television or movies because so many of them have a lot of unnecessary sex scenes which he refered to as 'smut.' Now, that to me, was like wow. Very few guys, even Christian guys have those kind of standards, and most women would give an arm and a leg for one of them including myself. I can be myself around him and he still likes me just the same. I've acted like a complete idiot around him a couple times but yet he continues to hang around. He's solid. He's intelligent. He has a heart to serve. He's a gentleman. He's everything I've wanted and hoped and prayed for for the last 4 years, but it's like he's right there...but I can't get to him. I don't know if it is because it's really not meant to be or if it's that we have to be patient and wait on God's timing. Anyone that has talked to me about this knows that it's been driving me crazy, but miraculously I still haven't stepped over the boundary. I haven't "made a move." I did find out, though, that he has been hurt before. A friend of his was at my house for our campout Friday night and she told me that he dated a girl in high school for quite a while. She said she wasn't absolutely positive, but she was pretty sure the girl was the one that ended it which makes since because Toolman said something a while ago alluding to his heart being broken in the past. So maybe that has something to do with it to.

I've been continually praying about this situation. Praying for clarity, for some sort of definition, some idea as to how it's going to go in the future. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows I want to be with him, and he knows I don't want to get hurt. For the most part, I've just been trusting God to let it happen as it's supposed to happen, but I'm only human. I have my moments when it's driving me up a wall not knowing if this is going anywhere. So many people have said that he must be interested based on how much time he's been spending with me and the things he's been doing, etc, and they've all told me that I just have to be patient. So, is that God's way of telling me, yes he's interested but you just have to wait for me or is it Him testing me on whether I listen to Him or everyone else. I'm so confused about this whole thing. I would appreciate your prayers about it. Pray also that I can guard my heart. I don't want to give my heart to anyone until I know that they will give me theirs in return. The Bible says somewhere (Proverbs I think), "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." There's no doubt about that. Ever notice that when something or someone breaks your heart, your life seems to just stop for a while. You feeling like your world is ending. Yet when something or someone fills your heart with joy you can't help but let that joy spread to every aspect of your life. I think that's what that verse means.

So there it is. My feeling laid out on the line for all to read. Please be prayiing about this mission trip to New Orleans. God has really laid it on my heart to do this, but I'm so afrad there won't be any response. I'm still going nonetheless, but I want other people to have the privelege to experience it with me so please, please pray about it. Write it down somewhere, put in your pocket or something. Do something so that you'll see it every so often and it will remind you to pray about it.

I hope all is well with all of you. You're all constantly in my prayers. I love y'all lots and lots!

God bless!

Pepto